Devotional

I love my "Jesus Calling" devotional...I love that every single day it hits the nail on the head and is so relatable to what is going on in my life. Everyone I know who reads it says the same thing. Todays is....

 "Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties. I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one’s circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence. Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will. It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy."

On another note, I heard from our attorney yesterday that she got all of our paperwork from our old attorney and she is now working on getting all of it sorted out to submit to court. The day she submits to court will be a great day because that is a step in the right direction!!

What a sermon.

Today was one of those days we all could have stayed in our pjs and be lazy rather than going to church. The problem is, we have done that too many times this winter...and since we started back up with going, I was determined not to let myself make up an excuse. And let me just say, I sure am glad I did.
We started a new series last week called "Fools Paradise". Today was titled, "Clarity vs. Trust". It started with saying how one big lie we tell ourselves is we need CLARITY, but what we really need is trust.

Then we proceeded to go through the 5 Phases of Faith: the reason I am recapping on here is because it was SO unbelievably relevant to our adoption and where we are with it right now. During each phase of faith, I could see our adoption story unfolding.
Phase 1: DREAM- (based on Genesis 12:1-2)- John and I had a dream to adopt one day. As a matter of fact, we said we would "love to do that one day" long before we had our first baby.
Phase 2: DECISION- we made the decision to go for it, and commit to the process of international adoption.
Phase 3: DELAY - oh the delays we have had! Which almost everyone does who adopts from Africa and if they did not, then they are LUCKY DUCKIES! So I hate to complain about the delays, but they do stink.  Our pastor said "Just because a dream is delayed, doesn't mean it is denied." He also said "Faith is not denying reality (for us: there are terrorist threats, there is uncertainty, there is sickness, etc) but rather faith is facing the facts without discouragement."
Phase 4: DIFFICULTY - ok, so we have had that too. Almost to the point of stopping and letting all the obstacles along the way become our destiny, and most importantly, Eliana's destiny.
Phase 5: DELIVERANCE - now this doesn't mean that you get what you thought you were going to get at the end of this phase...it just means you gain something that you otherwise wouldn't had you not stayed the course of faith.
Many people get stuck on the delays...and get tired of waiting and give up..and stop having any faith at that point. If you make it through that, then the difficulty is what is sure to test your faith and to give up.
So, what do we do to avoid becoming a person who is stopping mid way and giving up on faith and what God has in store for us because we think the wait is too long, or the obstacles are too hard, or the risk is too high?
REMEMBER what God can do. Become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. God cares more about our character than our comfort, and it is our job to take a step of obedience and remain faithful.

For so long, even up until I heard this sermon today, I have felt convicted to keep trying...to not give up on this little girl...but I have to say what is so spot on for me about this sermon is that I have asked myself that same question over and over. God, can you please give me CLARITY?....tell me this is the right thing to Do, To Go, To Risk, To BE UNCOMFORTABLE...and I suppose I blindly thought that magically one day, it will all be SO CLEAR. Like the clouds part, the angels sing, and He speaks and says YES AMY, GO, and YES the outcome will be good and worth it.... Um no. Probably not going to happen. But before hearing this today...I suppose I thought it might! Now I know, I don't have to have CLARITY, I don't have to know that everything will work out in our favor and Eliana will be ours, I just have to have FAITH (until the end) and TRUST.
And that is exactly what I intend to do, because no matter how much I doubt, and worry and agonize over my own pitiful need for "clarity"...without faithful trust I will keep spinning my wheels and never get anywhere in my heart.
Thank you God for speaking to me today, oddly enough, I have more clarity now than I have had in a very long time.

You can't ignore your heart..

So I most certainly have left this blog at a halt....many things have transpired since I last posted. Eli, right before his 4th birthday fell off of the back of a little car right in front of John and I , and ended up days later in intensive care with a concussion, skull fracture, and brain bleed. It was quite the life stopping/altering event to say the least. We are so fortunate he recovered without surgery and we go for our last checkup with the neurosurgeon next Monday at Vanderbilt.
Fast forward and during this stress, we made the decision to stop the adoption process for a million different reasons. We felt like we had exhausted every option, and hearing every week it seemed about someone getting turned down at court, misleading attorneys, sketchy people EVERYWHERE. We felt tired, scared to proceed , fearful of meeting this beautiful little face and not ever being able to call her our daughter.

So, we have been moving along with life, feeling thankful that we made the "right decision".  I went through a phase of thinking "well maybe my fourth child wasn't supposed to be adopted all along...maybe I am supposed to have my own? Should we have our own? That would be an option...." to "maybe we should adopt a domestic child" ..to...."maybe I am not supposed to even have a fourth child", to "ok we are not even thinking about ANYTHING regarding adding to our family..let's enjoy what we have". Needless to say, Eli's injury made me find the meaning of my family to be all the more valuable. In the midst of this, even though we say it sometimes and think it sometimes, to actually feel like you could actually LOSE someone so valuable and sacred to you makes it all the more true. In this little bit of life we have, our love is all we have. All the material things, the things that are temporary, mean nothing if we lose someone we truly love.

I went from being VERY confused and anxious to feeling confident almost overnight that I LOVE this little girl. I've never met her, I don't know her, but God set a fire in my heart for this little one that had not quite burned out. I laid it out to John one night, that if we give up on her because it's easy and we are fearful, and we could fail, and there are terrorists, and a gazillion different other (very real) obstacles and excuses, can we live with that? Can we lay our heads down at night on our nice down pillows and sleep soundly knowing that there's a little girl laying on a concrete floor on the other side of the world with no mommy and daddy and a life of little hope all because we gave up?

Now anyone that knows me knows I am about as headstrong as they come. If I get something in my head, and I feel a strong intuition for something..I don't give up on it. John agreed that yes, we have every reason to quit trying, but if we have one reason to try one more time...that's a reason enough.

LOVE- it's a simple word...but it breaks down so many barriers and with a fiery spirit and a powerful GOD, anything is possible.
So, what does this mean? We have hired yet another new attorney, who is investigating and gathering information and we are awaiting our opportunity to resubmit our file to court and go to court..all hopefully before July..when a lot of things will change adoption wise with laws in Uganda.

We are keeping this all quiet for now...by the time you read this post...we will hopefully be in route to Africa! I am trying so hard to focus on what's ahead and know that nothing is in my control...but greater obstacles have been climbed and I know in the end at least we can say "We gave every ounce, we exhausted every option", and God only knows the outcome of that. I am excited for what's ahead.

We got some good news...

My attorney met today with the orphanage director, Eliana, and her grandmother. She even sent us 2 new pictures!

She looks so adorable, even with no hair and boy clothes on, and it appears she even may have great style like her daddy with those socks and sandals. He started that look by the way:) haha

We got assigned a new judge, her name is Hon. Lady Justice Alexandra Nkonge Rugadya. 

We have a lady attorney and now a lady judge! I am very excited we have a woman for a judge. I feel like we can relate better that way. In most cases a child has at least a couple of extended family..but in her case, THE only person they can find is her grandmother, who looks great in this picture to me compared to one I have seen in the past...however she is not in good health. In Uganda, the average age of death is 53! Which is just crazy to me!

Anyway, she redid affidavits today and is getting them added to the file and we should have our court date this week!! I am cautiously optimistic of course, but this attorney has made more happen in a month than i have seen in almost 2 years.

Next time I post, I will have a date:)

What a week!!

Wow, so first of all, we have a court date.. May 20! I am trying to gather all the necessary paperwork and have to make 6 copies of each document so it's A LOT of work, but thankfully this time, I am a little more excited about getting it done as we know we will be meeting her soon! We get physicals on Tuesday of next week and refingerprinted on Monday and lastly we will get our Biometrics for Immigration fingerprinting done again as they have expired and you must have up to date ones on file to get through Immigration with an adopted child. After I get all this paperwork in, I can focus more on the actual trip..what day we are leaving exactly and more details. I know our attorney wants us there for at least 3 or so days before to bond with Eliana and meet to go over the court procedure. She said that she has successfully completed many adoptions with the judge, however this judge is very particular with paperwork and everything must be done correctly. So it's good to know at least some info on our judge beforehand.
On another note, my first "baby" turned 8 on Wednesday!! He is getting so big, it's crazy. We got Eliana's court date on the morning of Tyler's birthday. What a perfect present!!
Then today, my dad made the news, as he saved a lady's life out of a burning house fire!

http://www.wkrn.com/story/25162718/franklin-fire

I love that he said it was God's grace and serendipity...
I found this and it described the situation perfectly...

Serendipity = divine leverage.

What do you think? Serendipity is not when God does it for you. Serendipity is when God allows your efforts to be infinitely more pro- ductive than they could have without him. You do the hard work – God allows the right person to notice. You study and learn – God arranges for an opportunity that uses exactly your new skill set. You do your best to help someone – it turns out to be exactly what the other needs. You step out in faith – and doors open that you didn’t even know existed.

Folks, God does this all the time. But He seems to do it more often for people who ex- pect it. And, unfortunately, it seems to also work in reverse - if that is what you expect. If you just KNOW that your efforts won’t pay off... well, then they seem not to. As Henry Ford once said; If you think you can or you think you can’t – either way you are right. But...people who think they can and believe God will - tend to be right on both counts.

If you do your part and you believe that God will do His, serendipity will happen. It always does. Watch and see. It’s easy! Just do every- thing you can – and then expect more than you can imagine! 

Day 2 with Ellie

After 12 hours of sleep, Eliana woke up happy and quiet. She took a while to show any expression to us. But after I gave her a few little muffins and milk, she quickly smiled and loosened up. She had another bath and got dressed up in a cute outfit (sized 12-18 months)..

She kept looking at her shoes (size 5, just like I guessed )...and laughing. She loves them! In the pic above we are at breakfast, she reached in her purse and found a sucker and had that as an appetizer:)
After we ate, our drivers wife, Harriett, brought over 2 medicines from the Dr. to begin. She HATES medicine by the way! We then decided to head to an African market where they sell handmade African goods, and she took a catnap on the way...

 I found her a local Ugandan made dress and also one for later for a gift for her. I also got her a baby doll that carries a baby in a sling on her back for $6 US dollars...I let Harriett and Francis pay in shillings because I don't quite have that worked out in my head yet. My goal is to buy 18 Ugandan gifts for her to open each year to celebrate the day she becomes a part of our family. Many call this "Gotcha Day". That way, we can celebrate each year where she is from. It was very hot today, so I decided I would go back on a day when I can take my time and get some more gifts.
After this, we came back and she took a 3 hour nap.

Then we decided to swim (she never quite made it in the water..but liked watching people in it:)

Then she played with blocks for the first time and also had her first time on the swing...which she wasn't wild about....but she loved the blocks.

Then we decided after being in for a while to go back down to eat at the restaurant...she always seems happy when we are out and about. She smiles more...when we are inside, she seems worried. She's not used to being inside we can tell. So after eating, she showed us her silly side and was sticking her stickers on her face and laughing and hiding crayons from John and laughing. When I got up to go to the bathroom, she cried for me and John said she stared at where I went until I got back. That made me so happy that she is attaching to me that quickly!
We came in, got another bath and had her teeth brushed for the first time and she did great!

So many firsts in so little time! I told John it is almost like we are squeezing 2 years into a week..all the firsts and all. She's older, but teaching her is like teaching a baby--language, new routines, and procedures. She is doing so well, despite still not feeling great yet, she is just as good as can be.

There YOU are...

Eliana after we changed her clothes in the attorneys office

I glanced down to the bag, with a dirty soiled blanket on top, which I later learned in that one bag was all of Eliana's belongings and her grandmother would take that blanket back because it's all she has. Rebecca, the attorney, saw me looking at it, and said, "They are already here. She and her "Jaja" , (which means grandmother in English). I didn't have time to get nervous before I saw the familiar face of her Jaja entering the door. Behind her...a teeny, tiny scared little girl. Eliana. There she is! I wanted to run and grab her up and hug and kiss her but I could tell she was terrified...she had traveled since early morning to get here and she looked tired, hungry, unwell...and absolutely beautiful all at the same time. Her eyes looked dull, like she had lived a long life already....like a child that has worried more than she should in her short life. Her brows were furrowed and she looked so scared. John and I both said "hello there! How are you!" Of course, she has never heard English, and neither had her Jaja so they had no clue what we were saying...so I just held out my arms to see if she would come to me. She whimpered a bit but didn't fully cry. Looking back, I think she was just too weak to cry.

We sat and tried to get her to smile, but she just stared at us blankly as if she was just looking right through us. I started getting teary eyed not because she was scared but because she was so tiny and so precious. I couldn't believe I thought for a single minute that I may not have this moment to meet this precious little girl. I felt so grateful and so sad for her all wrapped up into one feeling.
We showed her jaja our pictures of our family and in the album there were many of Ellie and even one of her with Ellie. She loved looking at the pictures.
Jaja loved the picture of her room and said to the attorney in her language "She must wear Pampers in that bed..she will spoil that bed and that can not be..it is perfect! She must come to our village and see where we stay, I have never dreamed of a place to sleep like that."
Then, we sat and asked the attorney to translate several questions...
"What's her favorite food?" Rice and sometimes meat if it is available.
"What about fruit?" - She would love fruit, however we can not afford for her to have fruit and vegetables.
"How does she sleep at night?" IF (notice not AFTER but IF) SHE EATS, she lays down on the floor, and goes directly to sleep. If she has eaten, she sleeps well all night. If she stirs around or crys out, it is because she is sick, or she needs to go out to the bathroom because she doesn't like the feel of sleeping in her wetness."
"Is she shy?" - NO she is weak, sickly, she needs food and nourishment. She can be lively if opportunities provide for energy.
At about this point, we quit asking questions. Basically, this child's life is all based around the poverty of not being able to eat. It makes me nauseous suddenly. I want to cry, not a little cry, but a giant, ugly cry. But I had to hold it back for now, because I didn't want to scare Eliana.
We decide she is hungry, so I scramble in my bag for a Clif Bar, and she LOVES it. Little did I know at the time, she loves anything to eat! She picked the chocolate chips out one by one and we laughed that she loves chocolate like her mama and daddy. She never smiled until I finally pulled out my bubbles! She loved them and smiled and smiled. After we finished up, we went to eat lunch in Kampala with jaja and Ellie. This is when I realized this little girl can eat! She ate mashed potatoes with gravy, bread, mango and watermelon juice (which is delicious by the way), and her little eyes lit up when she saw a chicken leg!

This was the very first time she had eaten with a spoon and she just used it like she had been her whole life! She carefully drank out of her cup and I quickly learned she doesn't like to get dirty. She wipes her hands and mouth often as she eats. During lunch, she began to smile a little more. 

We then decided she needed to see a Dr. as soon as possible. I really wanted jaja to go, where she would have her as comfort, but she had to start her journey back home. So John, Francis and I took her for a 2:20 pm appt. and Eliana cried the whole way, looking for jaja...and I cried with her the whole way.  She had a lot of blood drawn and they confirmed her malnutrition. At 2 year 4 months old, she weighed 15 pounds and 31 inches long.

They think she has been in the hospital recently, but no one told us that. A needle mark was too fresh in her arm not to have been. Many tests later, we left and were told to come back with a fecal sample and to get other results. As we were walking out to the car, I took her socks off for the first time, and I saw what looked like a bad cut on her foot on the bottom, that looked infected. When I touched it, she screamed. So we took her back in and quickly the Dr. said, "It is a jigger". There is an organization called "Sole Hope" in Jinja that helps kids with jiggers that I want to visit on this trip, and now i see their work is so needed. (It's a parasite, many kids get on their feet due to wearing no shoes in contaminated areas).When the Dr. touched it, she cried and cried and said in her native language "hurt"...they removed it, (I left the room and cried and cried to Francis" and he said all the right things that I needed to hear. I told him, "she needed us, and to think I almost didn't come. I can't stand to think how many there are that need someone to fight for them and they don't have that. It's heartbreaking." He said in his sweet voice, "Amy, you are here for one of these children, you are here! That love will be understood by her and you have to be proud of yourself, you are here for ONE. And oh how I'm so glad you are here...oh how she needed you and John.")

At the Dr. sleeping while we wait

We finally left, made a stop at a grocery store for milk and food for her, and took went back to the hotel. We were emotionally and physically spent! She sat in Johns lap and drank Mango juice and never made a peep on the way. Then after a bath and more eating and drinking, she started smiling and laughing. She LOVES music we quickly learned. She smiles so big every time you give her food, too.  She loved playing with her dolls and feeding them their bottle. Her foot is so sore, we carry her everywhere. I put her on the couch next to me while John heads down to get some more food and by the time he was back, she was curled up asleep on the couch:)

Then we moved her to her bed and she slept for 12 hours straight.

Our first day with our daughter. A day we will never, ever forget. We are already so in love.

We made it to Uganda!

I am going to try to be brief, however there is no way to do that! So many things have happened in the past few days. We boarded a plane for Uganda on Wed, May 14 and after flying to NYC, Amsterdam, and Rwanda...we finally touched down in Entebbe, Uganda. The traveling was long but not too bad. The first flight to NYC was the worst...I had so many breakdowns I couldn't even count them. All for different reasons. I missed my boys...I was fearful but I realized on the plane when looking over affidavits for court, that June 2012 was when Ellie's mom passed and that was the same month we said "YES" to starting our adoption. I got so emotional about this, thinking that God planted that desire in my heart that month, it was His way of promising that in HIS time, she would have another mama. To think I almost gave up on that calling made me beyond emotional. To see His plan, all along was perfect but yet I had to doubt and demand and become impatient and FINALLY learn to let it go to Him, finally give up and know if it's His Will, it will be. And to be on a plane headed to meet our daughter... I finally felt like I understood the WHYS of this long process. If I would have swooped over with no obstacles, I would not have not learned all I have during this long process.

When we touched the ground in Entebbe, our driver, Francis..who I would learn soon would be such a Godsend to us, picked us up and away we drove to Kampala. We got to our hotel around 11:30 pm and had our first Ugandan meal of fried fish and chips. We figured that was safe:) On the way to the hotel, the streets were full of "Boda Bodas" motorcycles...that drive very fast and zip in and out of cars like crazy. Francis told us, unless we want to go back home missing a limb, or we have an appt.  with death...we better stick with a car in Kampala. In Jinja, Boda Bodas are a bit more forgiving bc traffic isn't as bad. The drive was about an hour, there were people everywhere, party over here, market over there...babies, mothers, young, old were out on the streets just walking and hanging out. I asked what these people do all night, he said they have markets open that they sell to people at night, and of course trouble always brews at night as well!

When we got back to the room, we were exhausted, so we slept like crazy. Francis was set to pick us up Friday am at 9:15 because we had an appt with our attorney Rebecca at 10. He called us at 9:15 to tell us he was waiting, and guess what...we were still sleeping! We both slept so soundly we didn't even wake up once! I was counting on my early bird husband to wake up as always, but since Uganda time is 9 hours ahead, his clock was off as well. So we rushed to get ready and ended up only being a few minutes late, which in Uganda is no big deal, because everyone is usually late on "African time" as they call it. 

So we rushed up flight after flight of stairs to finally reach Rebeccas floor. There sat Rebecca, a young looking lady, who I expected to be older from all the experience I had heard she has in Family Adoption law. She was very sweet and as I scanned her office, I saw a purse sitting on the floor, with a soiled baby blanket sitting in it...and I knew she must be here....

Moving on ...and a letter to Eliana

 ****I am going to give a pretty generic description of what is going on with our adoption below, because writing out each detail would take pages to write, but this is a summary.

As most of you know we got a court date, set for Nov. 7 in Uganda. In the last week, the US Embassy made a high alert travel advisory. Long story short, Al Qaeda terrorists have recently attacked Kenya, who are allies of Uganda. Uganda is the biggest supporter of the African Union Mission in Somalia [AMISOM]. They have sent troops into Somalia and they are upset that they will not withdraw them. The situation is continually worsening and now businesses and schools in Kampala are closing down, as they have been alerted that the attacks are imminent.

See link below for more details...
http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/10/18/21025232-americans-warned-of-kenya-mall-style-terror-attack-imminent-in-uganda?lite

We are set to travel in 12 days and after speaking with our Ugandan attorney and adoption travel agent, we have decided not to travel at this time. Our judge has a very high chance of not granting us custody even if we did risk traveling there during this extremely dangerous time. Many Americans are being turned away, as our media is portraying a picture of Americans that is not very pretty. And sadly, the terrorist activity is not ending any time soon. The attorney stated that even as a Ugandan man, he is afraid for his family and on high alert even in his own home. Being American, our risk of traveling is heightened tenfold. We feel putting our own lives at risk is not fair to our children and family, no matter how badly we would love to go and swoop her up and take her away from all of that turmoil.

So what does this mean? We can not reschedule our case, we have our hands tied at this point and can not continue with our adoption in Uganda. As much as we are completely heartbroken for Eliana and selfishly for ourselves, we have to be realistic and level headed and trust that God has a much bigger reason and plan for our family.

Thank you so much to each and every one of you who has supported our adoption, and made us feel so loved during this process. I will never forget the messages from friends just to say you are praying for our adoption, donations made to help the orphanage (which by the way will STILL happen, which we are so excited to be able to do, so thank you again for buying those tshirts and donating so generously!), just pure love we received in our quest to this little person has grown friendships and taught us lessons we will forever cherish. Seeing peoples true hearts for these children and acts of love towards them..... I get teary eyed thinking about it! We don't know what the future holds for our family, whether we will add another little one or not, but we know we are beyond blessed to have 3 beautiful boys, who bring more contentment and love to our lives than we could ever have imagined before they were born. We are going to take this time to just enjoy our family and emotionally move forward.

Eliana,
We have fought for a year and a half for you, a sweet helpless little girl, that now we will never have the opportunity to meet. That in itself leaves us feeling deflated and quite simply...sad.  We don't consider this time a waste, or this process as a failure. Although our end result is not at all what we had planned...the lessons and experience through this journey has taught us more than we ever would have learned had we not had the opportunity to pursue you. We feel grateful for this process, yes we feel sad too, but if anything else, my desire to help the "least of these" that can not help themselves is even greater. I promise you I will fight as hard as I have for you, to help others just like you. Eliana, you will shine brighter than before, because now you have the power of prayer on your side, so many people, praying for YOU, an itty bitty brown eyed 21 month old beauty. You may never live the life of a princess on this earth, but in God's eyes, you are forever the daughter of a King. 

I will always pray for you, beautiful angel, and I will never forget what being an "almost mommy" to you has taught me.  Dream big sweet girl. You are loved.

COURT DATE!

Yah! We FINALLY received our court date! Nov. 7th is the actual date, but we will be leaving on Monday November 4th around 2:00 pm. We will arrive in Uganda Tuesday night around 10:30 pm , Uganda time. They are 8 hours ahead. We have 2 layovers...first is in Detroit and then Amsterdam. In Amsterdam airport, we can grab one last warm shower before arriving in Africa!

According to other adoptive parents in the process, going to court isn't so great. Every single one has waited at least 8 hours, watching criminal cases etc. and went last. Most are not passing court right now either because the judges are very weary of sending their children to America because of many things they see in the media. So if they can find any relative who is willing to even consider taking them (even if they can't support or feed them) they will do their best to keep them there.

 It's a very messy situation over there in regard to adoption. I feel optimistic about our hearing, however, I am also preparing myself for other outcomes...such as... the judge putting our hearing off...requesting meetings with the family privately at a later date, or in the worst case scenario, not to be granted guardianship of Eliana. It's a tough pill to swallow...but we have to be realistic and know that this is our reality.

With all that to say, I do believe in the power of prayer. I know that God's ultimate plan will prevail in our case. We have to trust that and believe that as hard as it may be to do. I ask for your prayers for John and I as we prepare for this trip and for court, for knowledge for our attorney, and for the judge to extend grace to us crazy Americans walking in there "taking his children". By the way, he told a friend of mine that "Americans can't just walk in here and expect to take our children easily". It's backwards and frustrating, but it's what we are dealing with.  We may or may not get a verbal ruling on that day...usually it is a week-a month (yes more waiting) before you get the written ruling. After the written ruling, we can take custody of her in Uganda and begin our exit process, which is getting a passport for her, getting a visa, taking her for a final health appt., and getting through our American Embassy (which is no easy feat.)

One step at a time....not concerned with all that follows just yet...we just gotta get through that court date!!!