You can't ignore your heart..

So I most certainly have left this blog at a halt....many things have transpired since I last posted. Eli, right before his 4th birthday fell off of the back of a little car right in front of John and I , and ended up days later in intensive care with a concussion, skull fracture, and brain bleed. It was quite the life stopping/altering event to say the least. We are so fortunate he recovered without surgery and we go for our last checkup with the neurosurgeon next Monday at Vanderbilt.
Fast forward and during this stress, we made the decision to stop the adoption process for a million different reasons. We felt like we had exhausted every option, and hearing every week it seemed about someone getting turned down at court, misleading attorneys, sketchy people EVERYWHERE. We felt tired, scared to proceed , fearful of meeting this beautiful little face and not ever being able to call her our daughter.

So, we have been moving along with life, feeling thankful that we made the "right decision".  I went through a phase of thinking "well maybe my fourth child wasn't supposed to be adopted all along...maybe I am supposed to have my own? Should we have our own? That would be an option...." to "maybe we should adopt a domestic child" ..to...."maybe I am not supposed to even have a fourth child", to "ok we are not even thinking about ANYTHING regarding adding to our family..let's enjoy what we have". Needless to say, Eli's injury made me find the meaning of my family to be all the more valuable. In the midst of this, even though we say it sometimes and think it sometimes, to actually feel like you could actually LOSE someone so valuable and sacred to you makes it all the more true. In this little bit of life we have, our love is all we have. All the material things, the things that are temporary, mean nothing if we lose someone we truly love.

I went from being VERY confused and anxious to feeling confident almost overnight that I LOVE this little girl. I've never met her, I don't know her, but God set a fire in my heart for this little one that had not quite burned out. I laid it out to John one night, that if we give up on her because it's easy and we are fearful, and we could fail, and there are terrorists, and a gazillion different other (very real) obstacles and excuses, can we live with that? Can we lay our heads down at night on our nice down pillows and sleep soundly knowing that there's a little girl laying on a concrete floor on the other side of the world with no mommy and daddy and a life of little hope all because we gave up?

Now anyone that knows me knows I am about as headstrong as they come. If I get something in my head, and I feel a strong intuition for something..I don't give up on it. John agreed that yes, we have every reason to quit trying, but if we have one reason to try one more time...that's a reason enough.

LOVE- it's a simple word...but it breaks down so many barriers and with a fiery spirit and a powerful GOD, anything is possible.
So, what does this mean? We have hired yet another new attorney, who is investigating and gathering information and we are awaiting our opportunity to resubmit our file to court and go to court..all hopefully before July..when a lot of things will change adoption wise with laws in Uganda.

We are keeping this all quiet for now...by the time you read this post...we will hopefully be in route to Africa! I am trying so hard to focus on what's ahead and know that nothing is in my control...but greater obstacles have been climbed and I know in the end at least we can say "We gave every ounce, we exhausted every option", and God only knows the outcome of that. I am excited for what's ahead.