We BOTH cry.

As we lay here tonight. Both of us, a little lonely, wishing to feel better, for everything to feel just a little bit more like home. A familiar sound, touch, taste, or voice. Both of us lay in silence and feel empty. This sweet little girl, who I feel completely and utterly my daughter from day one, feels like a stranger to me when I hear my youngest boy on the phone saying, "Mommy, are you coming soon?" I will...baby, I will soon. I don't know the date or how many weeks but I will. The feeling of not knowing takes my breath away.
I am the one who can't go away on vacation for more than 5 days without coming home early. I know I'm not the first to do this, to adopt in a foreign country, to be away from 3 little boys for many weeks, but tonight, it hurts to even fathom being here another day. At the same time, I know, the beautiful, small, precious little life next to me, feels even more alone..and lonely...and afraid. And she doesn't know the familiar will be back. As a matter of fact, it never will be. No matter how bad her past, she remembers it as HOME. It was her comfort, her stability, her place. And no matter what she grieves, I will never understand that. I don't know what it means to truly need, or to see my brothers and sisters cry from hunger or lack of care. I have no idea what it means to truly suffer. It breaks my heart to pieces to think I could grieve for what I want and to see what a I can't give all at the same time.
Tonight I pray to have a renewed sense of purpose. To be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
No matter how much I miss home, this angel laying on my chest as I breathe, is worth any moment of heartache.
My first and only daughter...we will fight this all together. And we will win.

Church Day!

Ellie and I in our dresses we got at the African market yesterday

Meme and Ellie's first picture together:)

Ellie trying to balance a water bottle on her head like many women do here..

We got ready and had breakfast this morning and then Francis picked us up at noon to go to his house to meet his kids and have lunch with Harriet and some neighbors...best meal we have eaten BY FAR! It was so delicious!

After lunch Francis asked us to lead a lesson for the kids in the neighborhood that meet at his house on Saturdays. His daughter prayed a beautiful prayer...I have never heard an 8 year old pray like that! He said Wednesdays the adults meet at his house for Bible study as well. We chose the story of Noah and the Ark, Francis played the piano while we sang some songs and then we played "Simon Says" which they loved. They had never heard of it before.

A little girl we met there whose mother helps out sometimes (she's a neighbor) was there with her little baby sister and it was so amazing to see her take care of that baby like it was her own! She also did all of our dishes by hand after we ate lunch. She is SEVEN! Never complained, never quit smiling. These kids just amaze me. Every single day.

Wototo Church in Kampala

Church was unlike anything we would have expected in Africa. Very contemporary. It lasts 2 hours. They have 2 services on Saturday night and 5 services on Sunday! They all have 5,000 people that attend each sermon! They taught on what it means to have a biblical family and marriage. Great, full day! Our wifi is sketchy so my blogs some days are short and sweet:) 

Meme is here!

Mom got into town at around 12:30 Friday morning. We had a very busy day on Friday...we went to our first African market..

It was a lot of fun, it was neat seeing the ladies actually sitting and making everything by hand. 

There were babies everywhere, just hanging out, playing with whatever was around. I'm still astonished at how well kids behave here! I bought some jewelry, a bag, a dress, and Ellie a little wooden pink truck toy (she loves cars and being outside, she's gonna fit in fine at our house!), a cute little dress, and an a bracelet. Also got my boys some cute little gifts..successful trip. Next up was a trip about an hour and a half away to the Equator..

Ellie pointing to where she is...

Ellie pointing to where she is going..

This was mom's first day so she was taking pictures of all the wild animals on the way there...goats, cows, chickens...we saw mango trees, avocado trees, banana trees...we saw a disturbing bunch of cows in the back of a truck and mom stopped to take a pic and the man in the back with them got mad and acted like he was going to throw a banana at her! She didn't even notice...she just kept snapping away! ha! But then up the road those same cows were in front of us, I think that was about the time I decided to give up beef forever! Ugh, I'll never get that sight out of my head. Once again, nothing anyone cares to read about on here, just trust me on this one! We saw men fishing for "lung fish"..apparently they don't have gills and that's about the only thing I know about that odd fish? It was a good, busy day!

First day with Ellie alone...

So John left last night and my moms flight got delayed a day so she won't be in until around midnight tonight or after since she will ride from Entebbe to Kampala.  Ellie and I started our day with breakfast with Francis at our hotel. 2 funny things, one not really funny actually. Just to let anyone know, I am fine with oohing and ahhing over my child, but don't just randomly come up and start asking to take pictures with her, pick her out of my arms and run off with her out of sight! Ellie started screaming..and I ran to get her and still this lady insisted on knowing her whole life story. But then, she proceeds to ask if Francis is her father! He said, "No" and I said "No, He is my friend." She said, "well where is her father? Is he black? I mean she can't be mixed, she is too black!" At this point, I politely tell her to back off. Mama Bear will come out and claws may come out as well so just keep stepping lady. Whew, the first of many I am sure, but man was she persistent! Francis and I just laughed about it later..people can be so funny(and weird!)
Next we went to St. Francis school because we promised Engrid last night we would come to read. We went down a very bumpy red dirt road and ended at a school with no sidewalks, just rocky red dirt with wild chickens running everywhere. As we walked up, teachers came out to greet us and all of the kids were gathering at the windows to wave at us. We finally made our way to "P2" (second grade class) and were given a very warm welcome!

We read 2 books and the second book the very first book said "Where is Ellie?" So ironic and crazy! I kept one of the books as a souvenir for that wonderful experience. They sang us the sweetest song when we left too.:) I could have stayed there all day long! And I may just have to go back soon to spend some more time there!

Next we went to Acadia mall and Ellie played in an indoor playing area with slides and ball pits and it was only 3,000 shillings, which is 1.25 US dollars! We spent a couple hours there and she got to enjoy time with her sister playing and having lunch. Then she came home and cried herself to sleep during her nap. She was so tired it was hard for her to go to sleep.
It's been a week today since we landed in Uganda but it seems like an eternity! I have really enjoyed my first week. John landed in Nashville officially and my mom will be here soon! Ellie has been singing and dancing and kissing me and calling me mama all day. It seems like she's been with us forever too. God is good:)

Traffic, celebrating, and goodbyes..

 Today, which I wish I got a picture..I saw 3 men and a goat on a "boda boda" (motorcycle). The goat was riding on the back with his legs tied with rope. I asked Francis where is the goat going? He replies, "Oh, to be slaughtered." Wish I had not asked..Poor goat! Having to weave in and out of traffic in Kampala on a boda boda is not a good way to go out I promise! The drivers are now required to wear helmets, but no one else is...so women, children, women breastfeeding babies, goats, pigs...anything goes. Literally! Also, if you are even a bit bothered by public breastfeeding, don't come to Africa. We had to go to a medical office today to pick up a form and literally there are women sitting everywhere just hanging out with babies breastfeeding...one crossed the street, hanging out topless breastfeeding...no one seems to even notice.
We went to the Acadia mall today, which was very nice. Nice coffee shops, etc...Francis over coffee told us all about their children's culture. I notice everywhere the children here are just so well behaved! It's absolutely crazy to me how they listen so well. I had to know all the secrets. The secret is there is no secret. Consistent discipline. We all know it, but the level to which they enforce it made me feel like the world's biggest parent failure. His 8 and 11 year old boy and girl both wash their own clothes, wash dishes, must be up by 7 am on weekends and 5 am during the week for school, mop, anything and everything it takes to run a household, they do. If they don't do it, there is a consequence. And no they don't beat their children. They just strongly stick with consequences that we as American families sometimes feel are too strict. The truth is, they need this. They need structure, discipline, and consequences. I THOUGHT I was doing ok with this...but nooooo I learned a lot today. A whole lot. Things I know, but needed to hear. Then Francis gave us an entire sex-ed lesson in Ugandan culture...and well, let's just say it was shocking. I don't want this blog to get too graphic so let's just leave that one alone:)
Ellie has been great today...she just goes where we go...tags along and smiles most of the time. What a different girl than last Friday. She is picking up on sign language very well already, waves and says Bye Bye, she calls John "Da" all the time now. She has become very attached to me.... she won't let him hold her much when I am around without getting very distressed looking. But when it comes time to play, she loves him! Today, I tried to lay her down to take a nap and for the first time she whined and even started crying a little. Oh, now we see a normal 2 year old! In a weird way, I am glad to see she is changing...this means she is attaching so well. But I laid down beside her and rubbed her head and then got up while she was still awake and just walked out and she was fine...she went to sleep in 2 minutes.
Then we went downstairs to play some more and I saw the same familiar girls I have seen for a few nights on the playground. Turns out it was one (Engrid) of their birthdays. So, I asked what she had planned tonight? She said nothing . I asked if she had ever had a cake for her birthday and she said no.

So, John, Ellie, and I plus Engrid and her 2 friends , went to the restaurant and had cake, sprites, and ice-cream with chocolate syrup! She ran off and came back with a beautiful red dress on that her mom found in the laundry of the hotel (her mom is a laundry worker at our hotel). She came back, and we sang happy birthday and made her night very special! Such a beauty Engrid is! I promised her that tomorrow, I would come to their school to read to her class and she is so excited!!
Daddy had to leave right after our little celebration, and Ellie cried for the first time when it was time to go to bed...I think it was a combination of knowing John was leaving and also getting attached to me, plus she was SO tired from a long day. But she didn't cry long, maybe 5 minutes or so, and she was OUT! Wonderful day...I really am loving Uganda:)

Court day!

John and I both woke around 1 am (our normal here, as I type now it is around that time) and tried hard to go back to sleep but never did. Finally around 5:30, we started getting ready to go and Francis picked us up at 7. Francis is always at least 10 minutes early...and if you are in Africa..let's just say that's very impressive between traffic and most Africans not feeling that time is that important. So that is just another reason we adore him! We got in the car and he said "Oh Ellie, John Amy you look so smart!" Smart here means "you look so nice". He continued, "Wow, Ellie looks so much better! Looking back, Amy and John, she looked as if she would have died in 2 days." Of course I already start tearing up bright and early! I asked him if he really thought this and he said "yes 100%. She was at death's doorstep, BUT now you are here and let's not focus on what was, let's focus on what IS." So that's what we did...because we are going to COURT! This long awaited day has finally come!

I was so worried about the relatives not showing up. I was also worried that Ellie might want her Jaja in front of the judge and not us and will fail to see the bond we have built. We get to court an hour early, so we decide to have breakfast down the street. Ellie for the first day, is HAPPY in the morning! She usually looks very somber for a while, but today she is herself.  We had breakfast quickly and then Francis took us to his car to pray in private. We all held hands and it was one of the best prayers I have ever heard! I swear I felt my hands get a coolness to them that felt like the Holy Spirit was in that car. I was holding his hand and Eliana's hand and suddenly hers felt cool too.  Usually your hands get warm when you hold hands...it was a very cool thing indeed.

So we head up, up, up, up flights of stairs and finally to Family High Court Division. We wait and wait and finally the relatives show, and we get called back around 9:30. The court room is the size of a big executive office. We sit on red velvet chairs and the pictures behind the judge of her kept me entertained to say the least. I wish I had pics of those! I sat directly in front of her, my attorney to my right and John to my left. Everyone else sat behind us.

The judge spoke English, but had her assistant translate Lusoga to the relatives that were testifying. She first interviewed Jaja and was not very happy with her. Jaja was so nervous, she was leaving parts out of the story, for instance, she asked about her daughter (Ellie's mom) and her husband's death (Ellie's dad) and said he isn't the father! There is no way! Turns out the judge had the dates wrong. Her father died before she was born from a bacteria caused by contaminated water. I never knew how her mother died...but today found that she died from falling ill after childbirth and could not ever recover, and Jaja was too poor to care for her medically, so she died when Ellie was only 6 months old.  She accused jaja and the uncle of not being accurate enough for her and she threatened them that they should never walk in her court under oath and not have their stories straight. 

The problem, I could clearly see, is these poor people were so intimidated and nervous they couldn't even think straight. They never leave their remote village, and now they are under oath being outright accused of everything under the sun! The judge was telling the uncle (Ellie's late father's brother) that he should be helping support the family with his land. Poor guy...I'm sure his "land" was all of a one room hut. He looked terrible. My 92 year old grandfather looks younger than him and he was 52. He looked like he could fall over at any moment. I felt so bad for them. I was so nervous, holding Ellie the entire time, I felt like I could vomit. During court I think the judge could see how much Ellie loves us already. She went to her Jaja once, but then came back to us immediately. (Her grandmother was so very happy to see her looking so well and happy. She thought that she would cry the entire time but was so surprised to hear she hasn't cried at all, except for when she left. )

So next we were on the stand..she asked many questions...why are we adopting?, will we have more biological children?, adopted children?, how many hours will we spend with her?, how much money do you make? then she asked "Do you need all that money?" She asked if there are other black children where we live? will we keep her heritage alive in our home? what culture have you seen in Uganda since in country? What is your plan if you get a divorce? I answered "Divorce is not an option for us." She replied, "I asked a couple this yesterday and they went on to describe their plans for if a divorce should happen for 5 minutes! And I told them, if you have thought this much into what you will do, you have thought about divorce. And I told them, the correct answer is "Divorce is not an option...so Miss Amy, you gave the correct answer." Whew! She likes me a little more now. She said it says here you met in kickboxing class. Do you still kick box? I said no, "I just kick him" to which everyone laughed, including her. (Whew, Ok she has a bit of humor. ) then she looks at John and says , "You are a man of few words aren't you?" Talk to me, tell me more about you. John is so cool and collected it makes me so envious as I sit and watch him shoot through the answers like an old pro. I could literally hear my voice shaking in the beginning when I spoke. I haven't been this nervous since speech class in college! I think it was because SO much is at stake. Our DAUGHTER is at stake! If I say the wrong thing, our little girls future is in my answer! It's a lot of pressure. She looked at our pictures we brought and one in which Eliana was very sick...her stomach was swollen and she looked bad. She said "Wow, this is the same girl?" Then she saw a picture of her room and said "So, you already have a room for her? Assuming I would grant this petition?" John said, "No we were praying you would grant this petition."

Finally, after a couple of hours of questions, we adjourned. She said the ruling would be available by May 30, "maybe sooner, but not later." She was much nicer to us than to relatives. I think she liked us in the end. Rebecca said it went well, and not to worry. I feel good about it, but hearing that positive ruling will make me very happy!

After we left we were so exhausted. I was so tense and we came straight home, took a shower, and Ellie and I took a nap. Ellie took her usual long nap and I slept for maybe an hour. I lay her down at night and for naps in her bed and she puts herself to sleep within a few minutes. Then I worry all night she will fall off that bed! We took her down to play today and she went down the slide, got on the swing, ran, threw a "ball", which was really a big walnut or something? But best of all, She called us Mama and Dada. What a sweet sound! This girl in 5 days has completely transformed... I have never witnessed something so amazing in the course of days. I am so proud of her and love her more deeply than I could have ever thought possible. Her daddy leaves tomorrow and her Meme will get here too. I am so excited for Meme to meet her, but I know she will miss her daddy. They have made quite the bond. And she doesn't understand that when he leaves, that he will be back. He bathes her every night and dresses her and it just warms my heart to watch them together. So proud of him too...how he has handled this all like a champ. 

So glad this day is done, now we wait for our ruling, and keep ourselves busy!

Day 4 with Ellie...

So Eliana slept for 16 hours last night! Yes, 16! 6:30 pm-10:30 am. Her little belly has been upset from some medicine she is taking so during the night if she has to go she'll get up and look at me to take her (somehow I suppose I sleep so lightly I know)..and then she goes right back to sleep. When she wakes in the morning, she resets back to "blank Ellie". I call it that because it's literally a blank, scared face that you can not get to smile. Even if she goes to bed smiling, she wakes up this way. Today, she stayed like this, all through breakfast and into the afternoon. So we just knew she was getting more sick...so we took her back to the Dr. because we needed to check test results anyway. They all came out good, slightly anemic but nothing startling....the Dr. said she has seen MUCH worse for a young one living in those conditions she was in. So I feel so grateful for that. But while waiting, we looked at video from her time with her sister from yesterday and she started smiling and laughing and dancing and had a wonderful afternoon the rest of the day! I again fell so blessed to have her sister being adopted in North Carolina where they can keep in touch! Such an answered prayer! Once she smiles, she smiles big! 

We were in the Dr. for hours and we went by a mall to get passport pics taken and it was quite the experience!! All I can say is BIG GUNS and the best word to describe this place is "EERIE". It was dark and guards were at each store with HUGE guns just waiting for an intruder. Our driver says if they feel threatened they fire in the ceiling before firing at the potential intruder. That explained all the gunshots in the ceiling. It's like that everywhere here. Men holding huge guns at the grocery store, in the parking lot, on the streets, at the pharmacy, hotels, etc. They also pat you down and check your bags EVERYWHERE. I don't know whether to feel comforted by that or scared to death they need those men with guns everywhere! yikes! But all in all,  I have felt very safe and Kampala is a very interesting place. Babies everywhere...kids with kids on their backs, women carrying bananas on their heads, all the things you see in pictures...it's real. All of it. The first day I saw a lady crying and lying on the sidewalk with about a 9 month old baby just lying on her playing with a beer bottle. I turned to John and said, "Toto, We're not in Kansas anymore!" I am focusing on enjoying the beauty and learning from the people who live here, and of course bonding with our sweet little girl.

Court is tomorrow morning at 9 am. Francis is picking us up at 7 , even though it's not far at all...traffic is quite the experience here. I will have to reserve a whole post for that. 

Day 3 with Ellie

So, I tend to have so much time during the night to blog, update, etc...as Ellie sleeps away because my days and nights are confused! I need to be asleep! Hoping after court on Tuesday I will sleep better and get on the right schedule...I was told it would take a few days and it is true! We spent the day with Ellie's sister , who calls her "Med-Ah" , her Ugandan name was Mbedha. I had no idea how to pronounce it until today! She says it in her African tongue and it's so cute! Her sister, Rebekkah, is so funny. She has all sorts of expressions and already catching on to English! A lady from North Carolina is adopting her, and we didn't know this until a few weeks ago. I am so glad they were still in country where we can spend time together. Ellie just lit up when she saw Rebekkah! She was running with her, laughing, playing, talking a little bit, etc...
This little one had us believing she couldn't walk with her sore foot...but guess what? She was walking just fine today with her sister! HA! She was putting on a good act for us:) They came back to our hotel and played on the playground and loved the tire swing...and even got on a bike for the first time. Today I think we will try and see if we can get her in the water...her sister was scared of it too at first but now plays in it fine her mom said. I want to get her used to the water so we will try it little by little. That way by summer she can jump in Meme's pool with her brothers!
We also found today that Rebekkah and her mom had the same judge we will have tomorrow. Praise the LORD! She was granted custody which means there should be no reason we shouldn't. I haven't been worried about it that much anyway...but hearing that made me feel even better. So ready to get court behind us, and the ruling in our hand that says she's our daughter! Please continue to pray!

Devotional

I love my "Jesus Calling" devotional...I love that every single day it hits the nail on the head and is so relatable to what is going on in my life. Everyone I know who reads it says the same thing. Todays is....

 "Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties. I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one’s circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence. Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will. It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy."

On another note, I heard from our attorney yesterday that she got all of our paperwork from our old attorney and she is now working on getting all of it sorted out to submit to court. The day she submits to court will be a great day because that is a step in the right direction!!

What a sermon.

Today was one of those days we all could have stayed in our pjs and be lazy rather than going to church. The problem is, we have done that too many times this winter...and since we started back up with going, I was determined not to let myself make up an excuse. And let me just say, I sure am glad I did.
We started a new series last week called "Fools Paradise". Today was titled, "Clarity vs. Trust". It started with saying how one big lie we tell ourselves is we need CLARITY, but what we really need is trust.

Then we proceeded to go through the 5 Phases of Faith: the reason I am recapping on here is because it was SO unbelievably relevant to our adoption and where we are with it right now. During each phase of faith, I could see our adoption story unfolding.
Phase 1: DREAM- (based on Genesis 12:1-2)- John and I had a dream to adopt one day. As a matter of fact, we said we would "love to do that one day" long before we had our first baby.
Phase 2: DECISION- we made the decision to go for it, and commit to the process of international adoption.
Phase 3: DELAY - oh the delays we have had! Which almost everyone does who adopts from Africa and if they did not, then they are LUCKY DUCKIES! So I hate to complain about the delays, but they do stink.  Our pastor said "Just because a dream is delayed, doesn't mean it is denied." He also said "Faith is not denying reality (for us: there are terrorist threats, there is uncertainty, there is sickness, etc) but rather faith is facing the facts without discouragement."
Phase 4: DIFFICULTY - ok, so we have had that too. Almost to the point of stopping and letting all the obstacles along the way become our destiny, and most importantly, Eliana's destiny.
Phase 5: DELIVERANCE - now this doesn't mean that you get what you thought you were going to get at the end of this phase...it just means you gain something that you otherwise wouldn't had you not stayed the course of faith.
Many people get stuck on the delays...and get tired of waiting and give up..and stop having any faith at that point. If you make it through that, then the difficulty is what is sure to test your faith and to give up.
So, what do we do to avoid becoming a person who is stopping mid way and giving up on faith and what God has in store for us because we think the wait is too long, or the obstacles are too hard, or the risk is too high?
REMEMBER what God can do. Become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. God cares more about our character than our comfort, and it is our job to take a step of obedience and remain faithful.

For so long, even up until I heard this sermon today, I have felt convicted to keep trying...to not give up on this little girl...but I have to say what is so spot on for me about this sermon is that I have asked myself that same question over and over. God, can you please give me CLARITY?....tell me this is the right thing to Do, To Go, To Risk, To BE UNCOMFORTABLE...and I suppose I blindly thought that magically one day, it will all be SO CLEAR. Like the clouds part, the angels sing, and He speaks and says YES AMY, GO, and YES the outcome will be good and worth it.... Um no. Probably not going to happen. But before hearing this today...I suppose I thought it might! Now I know, I don't have to have CLARITY, I don't have to know that everything will work out in our favor and Eliana will be ours, I just have to have FAITH (until the end) and TRUST.
And that is exactly what I intend to do, because no matter how much I doubt, and worry and agonize over my own pitiful need for "clarity"...without faithful trust I will keep spinning my wheels and never get anywhere in my heart.
Thank you God for speaking to me today, oddly enough, I have more clarity now than I have had in a very long time.