We BOTH cry.

As we lay here tonight. Both of us, a little lonely, wishing to feel better, for everything to feel just a little bit more like home. A familiar sound, touch, taste, or voice. Both of us lay in silence and feel empty. This sweet little girl, who I feel completely and utterly my daughter from day one, feels like a stranger to me when I hear my youngest boy on the phone saying, "Mommy, are you coming soon?" I will...baby, I will soon. I don't know the date or how many weeks but I will. The feeling of not knowing takes my breath away.
I am the one who can't go away on vacation for more than 5 days without coming home early. I know I'm not the first to do this, to adopt in a foreign country, to be away from 3 little boys for many weeks, but tonight, it hurts to even fathom being here another day. At the same time, I know, the beautiful, small, precious little life next to me, feels even more alone..and lonely...and afraid. And she doesn't know the familiar will be back. As a matter of fact, it never will be. No matter how bad her past, she remembers it as HOME. It was her comfort, her stability, her place. And no matter what she grieves, I will never understand that. I don't know what it means to truly need, or to see my brothers and sisters cry from hunger or lack of care. I have no idea what it means to truly suffer. It breaks my heart to pieces to think I could grieve for what I want and to see what a I can't give all at the same time.
Tonight I pray to have a renewed sense of purpose. To be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
No matter how much I miss home, this angel laying on my chest as I breathe, is worth any moment of heartache.
My first and only daughter...we will fight this all together. And we will win.