Bittersweet (revisited)

 Here is an excerpt from a new book I am reading called "Bittersweet"...

"This is what I’ve come to believe about change: it’s good, in the way that childbirth is good, and heartbreak is good, and failure is good. By that I mean that it’s incredibly painful, exponentially more so if you fight it, and also that it has the potential to open you up, to open life up, to deliver you right into the palm of God’s hand, which is where you wanted to be all long, except that you were too busy pushing and pulling your life into exactly what you thought it should be...it is not life's cruelty, but a function of God's graciousness."

That's the season right now for us. Change... A redirection from the norm.  If life is always sweet, it rots our soul...if it's bitter, we get to experience life and develop the true grace that we need to be whole. When I wrote my last post, that's how I felt about moving forward without our daughter in our arms. It felt SO bitter, but beautifully sweet at the same time.

She is being lifted by name in prayer by hundreds of people that she's never had before.  Can you even imagine, that this tiny little girl was chosen to be the one to be in on this adventure? She has to be pretty darn special right? And now she will get to know God..through love and support. THAT is beautiful.

She is able to be reunited with her biological sister, who she absolutely adores. Seeing them together is just something I will never forget. Her older sister, very young herself, after getting a piece of food, would always pinch off a piece for Eliana. She would always hold her hand automatically to lead her where she needed to go. She would let her sit in her lap and let her do the annoying things that sisters do without ever complaining. She would teach her how to use her little iPad and teach her how to hold a pencil. To think about them not being together in the future is so heartbreaking I can't even put it into words. But now, they are together. THAT is sweet.

To think about a beautiful young mother (who is exactly my age by the way) that wants her children, if the work can be done to help her heal,  to give her grace and forgiveness and to teach the TRUTH to her (that she is worthy, loved, forgiven, chosen...) ..that she can feel empowered and take care of these children and they can be a family again. THAT is SO sweet!

I can just envision the day I see my "brother from a darker mother" (Francis) in Uganda, and he can take us to their home, and I can see these kids together, running to their mama to be hugged, and seeing that mother smile and experience the joy that comes from those moments. THAT is beautiful.

To take away all the beautiful and sweet to focus on the bitter isn't productive or encouraging, so if anyone feels sad or bitter for our family, please don't... focus on the SWEET that's to come for Eliana.
Because redemption...THAT is oh. so. sweet.

A Bitter and Painfully Sweet Goodbye

As many of you know, we had a flight scheduled tonight at 6 pm to start our journey to Uganda for our second trip. This morning, I woke up at 1:00 am and tried hard to go back to sleep but couldn't so decided to check my email. I had emailed the lady who had performed our private investigation and asked about some of the content of the report. She responded back with news that sent chills down my spine.
The dishonesty began a very long time ago unknown to us and knowing more about the case now, it screams child trafficking and corruption. The kind you watch and read about in the media and cringe...the kind where you just wonder how in the world did this get so tangled? There is so much more to the story that there is no way to explain it all in a blog post and honestly thats now not my story to tell. The family felt hopeless, but when asked privately, they said they WANT their daughter and granddaughter, if only they could support her financially. At first thought, I said to myself, "well, they can't financially care for her, so she can't stay there." But the more John and I thought about it, the worse and worse we felt.

Poverty alone is never a reason to adopt. It's not right, it's not ethical, and it's certainly not biblical. We said from the beginning, we wanted to commit ourselves to an ethical adoption, one in which the mother and father are deceased or if alive, want nothing to do with their child.  A Ugandan child that has a mother that wants her should be with her mother. Period. And if we truly are caring for orphans and widows as we were originally called to do, then it certainly isn't taking someone's baby due to poverty.  I know most of you have heard this verse:

Now this holds a different meaning in addition to adoption that I didn't understand before,  it also means to help widows and as I (very selfishly) want to ignore that little tidbit, it's there for a reason...because it's what is right.  It's not always adoption that provides his redemption and love. It's helping others because you love that child and widow like they were your own child or mother. To adopt this little girl, after knowing this, would go against everything we believe in.  Since the day the biological mother was discovered something hasn't felt right. We couldn't put our finger on it and we don't think it's a coincidence that we found these things out in the early morning of the day we were set to leave.  I didn't understand the need to "help them help themselves" until I was in Uganda and saw firsthand that what these people need to end the poverty cycle is empowerment and education. I fully love and support adoption of course when there is no other alternative, but there has to be a change within the cycle or it keeps being repeated over and over again. Simply going to the country, handing out clothes, shoes, money, etc. is helpful, but what happens when there is no more handouts?

This is undoubtably the hardest decision we have ever had to make, to work so hard to make something happen that is honoring a child that deserves so much more, and to see it crumble right before us is agonizing, but this is the end of this chapter for us. It's shocking to even type. I know it's shocking to read. Everyone wants a happy ending, I know. Oh how I wish I could say it was less complicated and we could post beautiful airport pictures and live happily ever after. However, this adoption..the highs and lows have been some of the most stressful, meaningful, fulfilling, confusing, yet beautiful adventure I personally have ever taken. I can't even begin to explain the life lessons I learned in regard to poverty, the AIDS epidemic and the stigma associated with it, African culture, adoption corruption, and what it means to truly submit to control. I have learned how selfish I really am, how the feeling of helping someone who can do nothing for me is more fulfilling than any fleeting feeling of buying more for myself, that my problems really aren't problems, that I complain too much, that I had no clue before what true need is, that I should never judge a book by its cover and the person in need that we tend to overlook may also be the very one who saves us.

So although heartbreaking, the positive lessons far outweigh the bad. I am so thankful Eliana has so many people praying for her now and forevermore. I am so thankful to have so many giving, gracious friends who selflessly endured this long, extremely unpredictable ride with my family and held my hand every step of the way and never gave up, even when I felt like it. I saw God alive in so many ways that I would do this all again just to experience Him the way I had the opportunity to during this time. I learned the true hearts of people that I underestimated before....and learned that meeting a friend/spiritual mentor can happen in the most unlikely places (yes, even in a random van on the other side of the world).
There is going to be a lot of work ahead for the family in working towards being able to provide enough to live comfortably, but education and psychological counseling are two very strong components in beginning the reunification of a family.  We plan to be a part of this process as well, working with an organization in Uganda whose work is dedicated solely to this. Ellie will go back to Arise and Shine and be with her sister Rebecca, until her family can get on their feet and then ultimately be reunited. Now that in my eyes, is a happy ending. That is the way God intended it.  It still stings and hurts and will take to time to recover from, but we have faith this is best for Ellie.

We don't know what the future holds for our family..but I am so thankful and fulfilled to have 3 little healthy boys who call me mama. That is enough, and having a daughter..if even for a little while, was worth it and to God I am forever grateful for that privilege.
Please keep our family and more importantly Eliana's family in your prayers. I know everyone loves and cares for her already and has so many questions but please just give us some time to heal and move forward from everything for now. I mean that in the nicest way possible, it's just too fresh and we are still processing everything as well to answer too many questions right now.
On a much more positive note, Your donations are still sending Francis to college, and I can not wait to present this to him and will keep everyone posted once he decides on his University and curriculum! We raised $4,000! That is a great victory in itself.
THANK YOU all, your hearts and love is something I only hope I can give back in some way some day. Thank you for sharing this with our family...I hope God taught all of us just a little bit through this adoption. I didn't lose a daughter, I gained a big piece of my heart I never even knew I was missing.